I'm Gay, and I'm Proud to be a Man

Somehow, I stumbled across the following Queerty article: Why do Masculine Men Look Down on Feminine Gay Men?  Many familiar themes are expressed in the article: masculine gay men are only masculine to try to hide who they are when it's convenient, being masculine and gay is so much easier than being masculine and effeminate, effeminate gay men are stronger and have more courage than masculine gay men, there's no such thing as gender norms, masculine gay men are not being authentic and true to themselves.  I've heard these many times over the years from effeminate gay men who are simultaneously telling me to ''be myself'', with their idea of ''myself'' being an effeminate, flaming queen.

What if I told you that when I'm being masculine, I am being true to myself?  You probably wouldn't believe me.  You'd think any one of the opinions expressed in the referenced article.  You'd look down on me as being self-loathing, cowardly, and hateful.

Let me correct you: I am a masculine gay man, and I'm proud of who I am.

I began to realize who I was in high school.  Before this point, thanks to society, I believed being gay was the same thing as being a man who acted like a woman.  Then freshman year of high school happened, when I had this combination of crush and ''man crush'' (admiration, not attraction, toward another man) on a guy in my science class.  He was a defensive lineman, and I found his physique to be attractive.  I realized I wanted to have a body like his and I wanted him in bed next to me.  I wasn't influenced by other people to think this way.  I simply found that I liked how he looked.  I knew I found him attractive, but didn't want to take on the 'gay' label, as I still felt it meant being effeminate.

As I came to terms with who I was over the next few years, including coming out to my family, I realized that I didn't fit in with the effeminate gay men at our school.  I wasn't out yet at school, but I knew I wasn't like them in some way.  I loved going to the gym, and loved the idea of joining the wrestling team.  I felt like a man, and wanted to be treated like a man.  For a long time I was, but only because I was closeted.

College came, and I came out.

As a recently out gay man, I wanted to find other gay men, to have a community who would be accepting of my sexuality.  I thought I'd found one in the local GSA.  What I found were a bunch of effeminate gay men who had driven any non-effeminate gay men out of the group by openly mocking masculinity and straight men.  Many didn't believe I was actually out until I started dating my ex my sophomore year.  When I tried to join the local chapter of DLP, I really began to see how much I was being rejected for doing exactly what everyone in the GSA was telling me to do all along: be myself.  Fed up with the bigotry, I left the organization, and eventually the school, hoping to find greener pastures in Kansas City.

No such luck.  Where anti-masculinity was confined to the LGBT community in Rolla, it was wide-spread in Kansas City.  Where I could find other men to be men with in Rolla so long as I wasn't flaming, no such men existed for me in Kansas City.  I went from super-conservative Rolla to super-liberal Kansas City, and found I had no place in either world.  After losing my funding for college, I moved back home.

I love working with tools.  I love lifting weights.  I love wrestling.  I love building things.  I prefer bourbon because beer and wine are too weak for me.  I wear work boots and wranglers instead of pastel-colored jeans.  I am masculine, not because someone told me to be, but because it is who I am.

And no one will accept me.

Effeminate gay men have a community.  Masculine gay men do not.  Effeminate gay men aren't asked by other gay men whether they're actually gay.  Masculine gay men are.  Effeminate gay men can have girlfriends with whom they can be effeminate and be accepted.  Masculine gay men can not.  Effeminate gay men are represented in every media outlet.  Masculine gay men are not.

Most masculine gay men are out of the closet, and we'll never go back in.  The difference between us is whether we gently opened the closet door and let people see us or whether we kicked the door open so hard that we racked every straight guy around with the door knob.  Most masculine gay men have the maturity to know that our sexuality is not relevant at three in the morning when ordering burgers, or when we're trying to stay awake while a professor teaches a boring subject.  Most effeminate gay men do not.

Masculine gay men have the courage to be more than just a stereotype.  We be exactly who we are, not just another caricature of the stereotype.  We have the bravery to try to be men amongst other men, who are far more capable of beating the living shit out of us than effeminate men's girlfriends are.

We are not cowardly.

We are not hiding.

We are masculine gay men, and we are proud of who we are!